


Who Are You Really?

by HeavenlyDisaster



Series: Letters From a Living Ghost [2]
Category: Mystalt - Fandom, The Rook (TV 2019)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Grief, Mistaken Identity, Multi, Other, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyDisaster/pseuds/HeavenlyDisaster
Summary: Continuation of "We Should Talk About This" against my better judgment because I have no self control.Gestalt knows something is up with Myfanwy, but they can't quite put their finger on it until it's too late.
Relationships: Gestalt/Myfanwy Thomas
Series: Letters From a Living Ghost [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571962
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	Who Are You Really?

“You’re sort of freaking me out with....” The coroner gestured at Alex and grimaced. 

“Ten dead bodies should be what’s freaking you out,” they retorted. 

She finished signing for the last two bodies and handed the tablet back to them. “Ten bodies should be freaking _you_ out, too,” she muttered, wheeling a slab to the back of the lab. 

Gestalt was going to leave, but the jab was strange. Not the usual multi-body quip. “Why’d you assume I’m not?” 

The coroner turned and frowned at them. “Maybe it’s crossed wires or something, but you seem more elated than horrified.” 

Gestalt stared at the CCTV footage in the conference room. They congregated there slowly. They stopped Alex by Myfanwy’s office as they went. She’d been late. On what was shaping up to be the worst day to be late. She was reading something with a furrow in her brow. She was occupied and she wouldn’t thank them for giving the office gossip mill more fodder by walking with her to the court meeting. 

She came in seconds before Linda and Jennifer, sliding into her seat between Conrad and Claudia. Myfanwy’s eyes flicked around the table, never landing on one person for very long. She looked at each of their bodies independently of the next. Gestalt hoped she wasn’t having second thoughts. Or... third thoughts, as it were. 

She was unnaturally quiet for the whole of the court meeting. Gestalt was starting to get worried. They watched her carefully for any signs that she was having one of her panic attacks. The meeting concluded quickly. The new American had ties to one of the Vultures, but the lead seemed to dry up there. She hadn’t seen the man in two years. They’d learn more from the other bodies. 

Linda gave her orders and Myfanwy took off up the stairs. Gestalt watched her go, but knew the dead took priority at the moment. They could talk to her in an hour or two. End of the day at the latest. The coroner finished the first autopsy giving them their first lead. Russian made. Ipso-facto, Lugat. 

They felt disgusting flirting with someone else now. They’d always felt dirty in the past, but it was a stronger repulsion now that they had Myfanwy. _Really_ had her. 

“Rook Thomas is here,” a retainer informed their Alex body at the bridge crime scene. 

They looked up and, sure enough, Myfanwy was bent over talking to one of the analysts. More unusual behavior in the midst of an already unusual day. Maybe she was feeling guilty over her earlier behavior. Or was worried she’d already given too much away in front of the King and Queen. Or.... 

_Or she’s here to call it all off for good._

They led their Russian asset up to the hotel room and stationed themselves in what Myfanwy referred to as ‘sentry mode.’ Compartmentalization meant they could focus on getting the intel from the Russian and on what the fuck Myfanwy was doing at their crime scene. 

“Myfanwy,” they shouted to get her attention, “a word?” 

Myfanwy took something from the analyst and moved over to see them. She looked uncertain. If they had to guess, they’d say she was scared. Scared of _them_. But that didn’t make sense. Unless she thought they were angry at her for ditching them the night before. They were a bit hurt, but not angry. They’d never be angry about something like that. 

“What are you doing here? You should be at the office.” 

Myfanwy kept walking and wouldn’t look at them. She was shifty. Strange. “Yeah, I’m on my way. I just wanted to see it for myself.” 

Gestalt grabbed her elbow and steered her into a small alcove out of the way. “You can be honest with me, Myf. I won’t get angry.” 

She stared at them uncomprehendingly. Gestalt frowned with their ‘sentry’ body. They were expecting some sort of slapstick retort. Something. 

“Are you alright?” They slid their hand down her arm to her hand. She jerked her hand away and turned her eyes out to the posse of crime scene analysts crossing back and forth in front of the alcove. 

“I’m... I’m going back to the office, now. Alright?” She was seriously freaked out. 

They nodded in agreement. It was all they could do. “Yeah, alright. You want me to walk you to your car?” 

A line formed between her thin eyebrows. She shook her head slowly. “No. No that’s fine.” She turned and started down the sidewalk. 

Gestalt watched her for a second longer before an analyst came to have him sign off on another collections transport. When they looked up again, she was gone. 

They moved throughout the day as normally as possible. They couldn’t get Myfanwy’s odd behavior out of their mind no matter how many bodies were dropped. No matter how annoying the American got. They kept trying to work out what Myfanwy was doing. Whether she was avoiding them because she didn’t want to draw attention to the new level of their relationship or if it was because she was regretting the events of that weekend. 

“Gestalt, you’re still here. Good.” They looked up at Farrier standing in their office door. “I need you to go pick up Myfanwy and drive her home.” 

Gestalt frowned. “Why? What happened? Is she alright?” 

Farrier held up a hand. “She’s fine. She’s just drunk. The bar is nearby.” 

Gestalt grabbed two of their coats and headed for their Jeep. They couldn’t account for this erratic behavior. She’d seemed so sure of them the day before. Almost cocky in her easy confidence that they could keep whatever it was they were under wraps and out of the prying eyes of their vetting officers. She didn’t ever say she wanted them to stop. She thought it had been _her_ taking advantage of _them_ at the Founder’s Feast. Now she was drunk at some bar alone? 

Gestalt stared at her sitting at the bar alone. She was several glasses in on a wide variety of drinks. A mystery considering she preferred her drinks straight instead of in cocktails. Gestalt cleared their throat at her side. She jumped in surprise and turned to look at them. She frowned as if thinking hard about something. 

“Where are your keys?” 

Myfanwy shook her head. “No, I told Farrier I didn’t-” 

“I’m driving you home.” They looked over at her collection of empty glasses. “I think you’ve had enough to drink.” 

Myfanwy nodded slowly and turned to grab her coat. She fished her keys out of the pocket and handed them over. They helped her from the stool as she stumbled and led her back to her car. She looked over at their Jeep and Eliza. They started her car and started for her flat. 

Myfanwy was quiet. Too quiet. She’d been too quiet all day. They felt their nerves standing on end in all four bodies. They thought they’d settled everything the day before. She’d sat on their lap and they had talked it all over. Where they stood. What they wanted. In less than twenty-four hours, everything about her had changed. It made no sense. 

They parked in the garage and shut off her car. A heavy downpour had started on the drive. Gestalt sighed and got out of the car. Myfanwy didn’t move for an extra two seconds. She was just standing out of the car when they rounded the trunk. They glanced up at the CCTV camera in the corner and nodded for her to follow them inside. 

Myfanwy stared at them as they waited for her to unlock the door to her flat. Her hand shook, but she still didn’t say anything. She opened the door and waited for them to come inside. They stopped at her alarm and punched in the code to disarm it. Myfanwy tended to forget when she was drunk. 

“You know the code for the alarm?” She murmured. 

Gestalt looked back at her. She was staring at the control panel in confusion and wonder. They ruffled their hair in frustration and fear. They went to her cabinet and filled two glasses with water, passing one to her and draining the other themselves. 

“I know you’re probably not doing this on purpose. I get it. But I thought we worked this out. You could’ve said yesterday if....” They stopped and sighed. 

Myfanwy hadn’t moved further into her flat than the foyer. Gestalt stared at her. She was looking at them as if they were a marvel. Her hair had gone messy in the humidity from the rain. Her cheeks were flushed red with the alcohol, but her eyes looked clear. They groaned and took two steps forward and backed her against the wall. 

Her head tipped up automatically and they crushed their lips to hers. She was frozen beneath them for a moment. A second longer and they would have made the conclusion that she didn’t really want them that way after all. At the last second, her hands found their way around the back of their neck. She sighed into them. Her touch became more aggressive. Her fingers dug into the muscles at their back. 

Their other bodies reached their own flat then. They didn’t want to overwhelm her again. In case it was the reality of fucking multiple bodies that had made her change her mind. They could ask later. Not when she was mewling beneath them like this. 

They shoved her jacket off her shoulders and pulled her shirt over her head. Her eyes were heavy, but Gestalt thought they might have seen a flicker of reservation in them. They cupped her cheek in one hand and settled the other on her waist. A black bruise was spread over her ribs. Gestalt stared at it for a minute before looking into her eyes. 

“What happened?” 

She looked down at the bruise as if she’d forgotten it was there. They couldn’t imagine how. It had to be incredibly painful. “Just an accident. Doctor said it was fine.” 

“You went to the infirmary?” 

Myfanwy nodded. 

“Tell me to stop.” Their words were the opposite of the desires. They didn’t want her to tell them anything other than she loved them. But that bruise was no joke. They didn’t have any desire to hurt her further. She was quiet. Lips parted. She was breathing a bit heavier now. “You want me to leave?” 

She swallowed and looked down between them. Her fingers played with the buttons at the bottom of their shirt. She shook her head slowly. “No. No don’t leave.” She unfastened the bottom button on their shirt and then the next one up. She met their eyes again. “Don’t stop.” 

They pulled her mouth back to theirs and shoved her skirt off her hips before pulling her up their body and walking her into her bedroom. Myfanwy finished the buttons on their shirt and pushed it away. She started at their pants next. Gestalt paused and looked around her bedroom. 

“Where are they?” 

She stopped. “What?” 

Gestalt kissed her collarbone. “The condoms. I know you’ve got them stashed in here somewhere.” 

Myfanwy looked around herself. As if she were seeing the room for the first time. Gestalt leaned forward and pulled open the top drawer in her nightstand. They grabbed a foil packet and grinned down at her. 

“Look at that. We’re the same.” They kissed her again. 

The break in momentum seemed to have jarred her more than it should have. She took a minute to warm back up to them. Gestalt kissed across her collarbone and down her belly. They started back up, kissing all the way to her ear. 

“You can still say no, Myf.” They pressed a kiss to her jaw. “Just say the word.” 

Myfanwy ran her hand over their stubble before grabbing their chin and pulling their mouths together again. Gestalt rolled the condom over themselves and pushed inside her. She moaned into their mouth and fisted her hands in their hair. Almost as tightly as she’d grabbed Alex’s hair the day before. They didn’t care. In fact, they liked it. Kept reminding them that they weren’t dreaming the whole affair. 

Something changed in her. She shoved them over and rolled on top of them. She sat back and rocked up and back down, twisting her hips as she did. Gestalt thought they’d come right then and there. Their three other bodies had barely made it inside their flat before becoming completely undone by her maneuverings. 

“Fuck, Myfanwy,” they groaned. 

She leaned her head back and Gestalt sat up to trace their lips over the smooth skin. She cradled their head in her hands as she kept up her easy rhythm. She let out a whimper and held tighter to them as she shook. Gestalt held her and rolled them back over, letting themselves finish at last. 

Gestalt pulled out of her and leaned back against her pillows before fitting her against their chest. She was still breathing heavily. Gestalt kissed the top of her head. Their other bodies were regaining their function though they all felt her bare skin pressed against their chests. The magic of Myfanwy. 

“You know, if you still expect us to keep this quiet you’re going to have to get a better poker face,” they teased. 

Myfanwy didn’t respond. They thought maybe she’d fallen asleep again. They brushed her hair back from her face and found that her eyes were open and staring through the bedroom door and across the living room. 

Gestalt started on a quick dinner at home. They scrolled through some more of the CCTV footage they had near the bridge. They had three pieces of mail to go through. They picked up the one in the middle. Their name was written in the middle with no return address. The stamp was local. The handwriting was Myfanwy’s. They frowned down at the back of her head as they opened the letter. 

_Dear You,_

_Monday_ _morning_ _I am going to find you in your office and draw the blinds so I can kiss you senseless. I am going to kiss you first thing in the morning every day. Every chance I get. If I don’t, please know that I am sorry. I will never be sorrier for anything in my life._

_If in the morning I don’t find you and kiss you, please know it has nothing to do with you. Writing this, I wonder if you even remember Josie Fairburn or if she will only ever be my own personal demon. She said I’d lose my memories and I believed her._

_Now, I’ve left myself letters, videos, clues as to who I am. I gave_ _~~mys~~ _ _her two options. If you find one day that I am gone, know that she took option two and please leave her be. For me. Let her start a new life without the demons that plagued me. If I come back to work, but I haven’t kissed you or behave otherwise unusually, then she must have chosen option one. Help her. Someone did this to me. Just as Josie said, someone has stolen away my memories._

_I didn’t want to hurt_ _you._ _I have loved you for far longer than you ever realized. Far longer than even I ever realized. Maybe if I’d let myself love you sooner everything would be different now. No Bristol. No incident. Just you and me forever. And maybe it’s wrong of me to put this on you when I know I won’t remember it myself, but if I have to have a last fantasy then I’d like it to be of you._

_I don’t know who did this to me, but I want answers. If she’s still there, then she needs them, too._

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You may not believe me. You may even hate me now. The truth of it is that I love you. I’m sorry I never said. And I’m sorry I never will._

_All my love,_

_Myfanwy_

_P.S. I’ll take this letter back on Monday if I remember._

Gestalt felt ice fill their veins. They stared down at her, pillowed on their chest. Their hands shook. 

“It’s a joke, right?” They managed, trying desperately to keep a level head. “Just a sick joke, Myfanwy.” 

She sat up and looked down at them. “What is?” 

Gestalt started to tell her, but changed their mind. “When’s my birthday?” 

Her eyes widened. The line formed between her eyes. “What?” 

Gestalt’s jaw shook. “When’s _your_ birthday?” 

Myfanwy swallowed and shook her head. “What does this have to do with anything?” 

Gestalt scrambled out of bed and pulled up their pants. They felt sick. “Where did we go for dinner last night?” 

Myfanwy slid off the bed herself. “We....” 

Gestalt covered their faces. The letter crumpled in their fist. “Oh, god.” They snatched their shirt up from the floor and glanced over at her again. “Oh, _fuck_!” 

“Where is this coming from?” She asked, fear high in her voice. 

“Your goddamn letter, Myfanwy!” The bile churned in their throat. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me before.... _Why would you fuck me?”_

Myfanwy was crying. She pulled a shirt on from her closet and a pair of sleep shorts. “I don’t know.” 

“I told you to tell me if you changed your mind!” 

“Well, I didn’t have my mind made up enough to change it in the first place!” 

“Fuck! What the fuck?” They turned for the door. 

“Wait!” Myfanwy stumbled out of the bedroom after them. “Wait, I sent you a letter?” 

Gestalt stopped, hand on the door. 

“I’m sorry about.... Can I see it?” 

Gestalt couldn’t look at her. They couldn’t be they had to. She was shaking in a way that made Gestalt want to hold her and soothe her. But this woman was a stranger. 

“Why wouldn’t you tell me you lost your memories? I asked you if you were alright. Remember? You could have said you didn’t know me.” 

Myfanwy leaned back on her heel. “Farrier told me not to tell anyone.” 

“Farrier?” They started getting on their coats and shoes. “Farrier knows your memory is gone?” 

She nodded. 

Gestalt swallowed back the sickening feeling taking over and went into detective mode. They led her into the living room careful to sit across from her instead of beside her. 

“I need you to tell me everything you know.” 

Myfanwy rubbed her hands against her knees and nodded. “Shouldn’t be hard. I barely know anything at all.” She gave them a weak smile they couldn’t return. She grimaced and looked down. “Alright. I woke up at the bridge. It was still dark, but I don’t know what time it was. I was surrounded by dead bodies and covered in blood and I was scared so I ran. That’s when I found the first letter in my pocket.” 

“First letter?” 

Myfanwy nodded. She stood up and opened a panel in her wall that led to her panic room. She brought the letter out and handed it to them. They read it quickly. Any hope they had that this was still a joke evaporated. 

“What did you do next?” 

Myfanwy fidgeted with her fingers in her lap and avoided their eyes. “I went to a hotel.” 

“Which hotel?” 

“I don’t remember. It had red lights.” She scratched her eyebrow and pressed her lips together. “I fell asleep for a while. My whole body hurt.” 

“That’s where the bruise is from.” 

She nodded again. “When I woke up, I found the keys and read the rest of the letter, but when I went to the bank this woman knocked me out. I woke up again when they were dragging me into the vault. Then the transmission... um....” 

“Transdermal neurotransmission,” they supplied. 

“Right, well, it just sort of... exploded out of me. So I grabbed the stuff in the first box and I would have grabbed the other one, too, but the woman was going for the alarm and I ran again. 

“I came here and watched the videos and then Farrier knocked on my door.” 

Gestalt looked back in the panic room. They were sitting in their car downstairs. They started up to the flat. “That’s when you told her about your memory.” 

Myfanwy frowned and shook her head. “No. No, she already knew.” 

“What?” 

“She knew when I opened the door.” Myfanwy shrugged. “I didn’t even have to say anything.” 

Gestalt’s hands curled into eight fists. Gestalt stood up from the armchair and went to let themselves in. Myfanwy stood and looked about them uncertainly. 

“Keep going,” they pressed. They sat with her with Eliza’s body while their other bodies went to check out the panic room. Myfanwy watched them. They could see the panic and fear on her face. “What happened next?” 

“Next?” 

“After Farrier left, what did you do?” 

“I was going to leave. I didn’t know how, but I thought I could get on a train and go somewhere far away.” 

Gestalt tried to ignore the pit that formed in their guts. To hear Myfanwy say she planned on leaving them memories of them or not. It was like torture. 

“But she was crying.” Myfanwy shook her head. “ _I_ was crying. I begged myself to find out who did this to me. So I went into work. I was at the bridge to retrace my steps. The doctor said I might be able to jog my memories that way, but I only remembered waking up there. The blood and the rain. The bodies I... I _tortured_ to death.” 

Gestalt couldn’t hold themselves away anymore. They moved beside her with Eliza’s body and squeezed her shoulders. “Myfanwy, those people wanted to hurt you. They wanted to drug you and lock you up and sell you off. If you hadn’t killed them, they very well might have killed you.” 

Myfanwy shook her head. “Farrier offered to send me to her private country estate when I was at the bar. Maybe I should have accepted.” 

Gestalt stared at Farrier’s picture on Myfanwy’s wall. “You were right not to. Farrier is up to something.” 

“You think she’s the one responsible?” 

Gestalt shook their heads. “You’re her favorite. It doesn’t make sense for her to do something like this. Then again, nothing about this situation makes any sense.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. You didn’t do this to yourself.” 

“No, I mean... I should have said before.... It was wrong of me to fuck you like that.” 

Gestalt hit play on one of the videos on the panic room computer. 

“Why did you?” 

Myfanwy shook her head. “I don’t know. I was trying to figure out how to get you to leave the whole way to the door. Then you knew the code for the alarm and I didn’t know what that meant. I know I live here alone. Mine are the only clothes in the closet.” 

“So why didn’t you tell me to leave? Or come clean?” 

Myfanwy shrugged again. “I was thinking about it, but then Robert kissed me and I think I remembered something. At least, I felt something and I didn’t want to let go of it. And I didn’t want him to let go of me and I _know_ that wasn’t the first time we fucked. I remember it, but it’s not all there.” 

Gestalt wished they didn’t feel as pleased as they did that she remembered them even with her memories stolen. They still felt sickened with themselves. That they wouldn’t realize that Myfanwy wasn’t just acting strange because of the weekend. That they didn’t notice there was something more than simple relationship qualms. That they pushed all that aside because they wanted her. 

“I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“No, please. I know it was wrong of me, but that’s the first memory I found.” She looked down at her hands again. “Can I see the letter she sent you?” 

Gestalt warred with themselves. Finally, they dug the letter out of Teddy’s pocket and handed it to her. She looked between their bodies again. She unfolded the letter and started to read. They rifled through Myfanwy’s other hiding spots. Between the records and in her bathroom cabinet. They didn’t find anything else there. 

“What happened in Bristol?” Myfanwy asked in a small voice. 

_Lie._

_She doesn’t know._

_She doesn’t remember him._

_It’s exactly what you always wished for._

_“_ Who.” They took a deep breath. They didn’t want her to forget everything. Only him. “Not Bristol the city. Bristol the person.” Alex picked up one of the glass birds and held it up for her to see. 

“Andrew Bristol. The married, middle-aged psychiatrist you had a relationship with when you were eighteen.” 

“Of course, it went over like a bag of cats and when he eventually broke it off with you, you....” Gestalt sighed heavily, wishing they’d chosen to lie instead. 

“Tell me?” Myfanwy begged. 

“There was a chain of events-” 

“-like dominoes falling.” 

“There was no way you could have known.” 

“No way anyone could have known.” 

“You still blamed yourself for the fire when it was really Bristol’s fault.” 

Gestalt looked Myfanwy in the eyes and dropped the glass bird onto the floor. It shattered into a million pieces in every direction. Myfanwy stared down at it. 

“You hate him,” Myfanwy guessed. 

“He got off too easy.” 

Myfanwy nodded. She looked over at them in the panic room. “What now?” 

Gestalt headed off to get the vacuum to clean up their mess. “Now, we do what Myfanwy asked. We find out who did this to you.” 

She watched them clean up the mess. Quiet. Pensive. A screaming reminder that she was not their Myfanwy. She was a stranger in her body. Their Myfanwy that loved them. The one they never got to tell they loved in return. The sickening feeling came back again. 

“Get some sleep.” They came out of the panic room and shut the door behind them. “We’ll start fresh tomorrow.” 

Myfanwy followed them to the door. “You’re leaving?” 

“We still have work to get to in the morning. We have to figure out how to write up the bridge incident.” Robert put their hand to their head. “Or whether to keep it all quiet for now.” 

“Damn.” They couldn’t figure out the best course going forward. Something that rarely happened if ever. 

“Sorry. You.... I shouldn’t have kept you.” 

Gestalt gave her a worn smile. Some parts of her were still very much Myfanwy. “This isn’t your fault.” 

They opened the door and started out. They turned with Eliza and squeezed Myfanwy’s hand reassuringly. “I’ll see you in the morning. We’ll get this sorted.” 

They waited until they got home and were safely tucked away in bed to cry. How was it they lost someone that was still very much alive? How could there be a death with no body to bury? How could they mourn someone they still had to look in the eyes every day? They fell asleep with Myfanwy’s final letter in their fist. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if this is going to keep going or not if I'm honest. I wrote this and then I thought, 'I can't do another one of those The-Show-But-Actually-Gestalt-Knows-The-Whole-Time fics' And then I thought, 'What if Gestalt had the opportunity to write Myfanwy's history for her? Would they lie?' And then this became a thing.  
> Once again. This is against my better wishes. I haven't updated my other WIPs in like a month.  
> Anyway. Thanks for reading!


End file.
